12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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