nut hugger
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
