remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
