i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
