I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
