I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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