tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
