She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
