Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
