"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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