All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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