I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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