why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
