dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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