Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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