I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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