Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
