when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
