I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
