Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
