After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
