I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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