I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
