My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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