Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
