when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
