in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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