I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
