omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
