I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
