I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
