just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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