She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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