Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
