People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
