Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
