I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
