Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
