He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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