I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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