If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
