its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
