I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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