I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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