last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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