i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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