i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
