i just had sex bonerless
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
