i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
