your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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