hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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