Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
