I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
