my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
